It’s a form of denial. If I’m doing something purposely or unconsciously to get attention, I’m creating drama.
If I meet someone who rescues me from my drama, they will sooner or later go from rescuer to perpetrator. If I hand them all of my problems, allowing them to rescue me and still continue to treat my life in the same way… drama will follow. Instead of playing alone in the sandbox, we’ve now invited another person to play along with us. That is until we take ourselves in hand and grow up! We decide dressing up and playing victim, persecutor and rescuer is just not fun anymore!
Most relationships that are worthy of a soap opera or a dramatic miniseries have the individuals playing a role unconsciously, as they traipse around that drama triangle.
If I get involved with someone through a mutual case of loneliness, the relationship will eventually end in mutual loneliness.
Truly, after we’re done saving each other from being alone… what truth will we share?
We will create drama as the bond to keep us together.
When we wrap ourselves in a big bow, so we can pretend to be the perfect gift for our mate, we will eventually once again… create drama. Not being real, whether we’re normally the center of attention, or the quiet one is not a way to forge a true bond, eventually the real us will come right out!!
Drama comes along, because just as quick as one mask comes off, another one is created to sustain the relationship and yet, it won’t stop the drama.
Whatever is inauthentic in us that we bring into a relationship will come out as drama at some point. When we pay no awareness to our truth and live in a fantasy, then drama is a fundamental basis of connection in the relationship.
Once the honeymoon phase is over, we can expect drama if we weren’t paying attention to how we felt around this person. Meaning, if our focus was on a few good qualities that we so desperately wanted this person to fit, but we missed the flicker of anxiety every time he was rude to the waiter, then we can be assured drama will be a top priority.
Drama comes up in all sorts of way, when we practice no self-awareness and expect the other person to be our awareness. We want them to make us happy, and do all the heavy lifting associated with creating trust. This dooms the relationship to failure, because no one can do this for us. If we try to give responsibility of our emotional state to someone else, we can expect to be disappointed. It’s a perfect opportunity for more drama!
Insecurities that remain unchecked, create drama.
If we meet someone and we’re lonely, unhappy, fearful or in some insecure state, which indicates we’re not connected to ourselves… we can expect the same to be mirrored back to us by our partner in the future. The individual we draw into our drama usually shares the same unconscious way of operating in relationships.
Even so, drama is never about the other person. It’s about what we believe we’re supposed to receive and didn’t, whether it is a gesture, a word, an object or action. We feel let down and therefore entitled to create a hailstorm.
We create drama to keep everyone engaged in the soap opera. We do it out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of loss, or even fear of being found out! We’d rather hide behind the curtain than be who we really are when we’re creating dramatic distractions.
We do it so we have to be rescued from ourselves. We do it maintain a distance, to survive, because we’re completely disconnected from loving ourselves. Those who join us on this stage love the opportunity to also dismiss their problems and jump right into helping us create drama. This way we both stay completely unaware of what is really going on for each of us as individuals. It’s an awesome match!
How do we stop the drama?
It starts with getting real. If we take a journey inside, we can find out what the impetus is for us to be the drama starter. We can understand why we need the attention and heightened sense of care we desperately cannot give to ourselves.
When we know why we feel needy, we’ll know why we create all the distractions, arguments and crazy making. We’ll see how we’ve been seeking outside of us, what we think we can’t fulfill within us.
If we really want to stop the drama pattern and get off the triangle, we should take some time to be alone and really, deal with our feelings and the anxiety they provoke. Shining the light of awareness inside of our emotions can bring us far more peace than being engaged in drama. Being rescued from our self-made dramas, doesn’t allow us to grow. It keeps us stuck in our childhood patterns, where we needed attention and drama is how we got it!
Therein lies the “good news, bad news” of a new study published Tuesday.
While much progress has been made to improve the health and quality of life of Native Hawaiians and other Pacific Islanders living in Hawaii, their lives are still shorter than whites and Asians. The “big three” killers are diabetes, obesity and heart disease.
The reasons are multiple, including lower income levels and lack of access to services.
But there’s more good news in the study, published by the John A. Burns School of Medicine: The cultural values and practices that sustained Hawaiians for centuries are key to their continued recovery, including the “healing power” of hula, as one health expert put it, cultural education through charter schools and growing food in a back yard or school garden.
“We are returning to the things we know work well, things our ancestors knew but we have lost,” said Dr. Joseph Keaweaimoku Kaholokula, chairman of the Department of Native Hawaiian Health at the UH medical school.
The study’s many authors want to capitalize on what they say has been tremendous progress in treating Hawaiians, Samoans, Tongans, Chamorro, Micronesians and Filipinos.
While the existence described for Hawaiians and Pacific Islanders is anything but healthy, the study shows promising signs of change:
• The infant mortality rate for Hawaiians and Filipinos have shown “clear improvement” over the past 25 years.
• Over the past decade, Hawaiians have reported greater participation in diabetes self-management activities.
• The number of Hawaiians enrolled in community colleges jumped 53 percent between 1992 and 2010.
• Traditional values have helped many in the Hawaiian community cope with and overcome health challenges.
A last point is a key finding of the study: that the integration of cultural practices into health intervention “is innovative and an important promising practice.” Traditional values like ohana, lokahi and aloha “strengthen the resilience, identity and social connectedness of Native Hawaiians and Pacific Islanders and contribute to their physical, mental and spiritual health.”
Experts agree that an “integrated and multi-systemic approach” is necessary to establish “health equity,” the study concludes.
For more, check out the complete coverage at Honolulu’s Civil Beat.
I also met a woman named Jamie who suffered third and fourth-degree burns over 70 percent of her body. She was in a fiery solo car crash caused by her texting while driving. This mother of two has had 33 operations, many of them painful skin grafts. More surgeries are on the horizon. Jamie now spends much of her time speaking about the dangers of texting behind the wheel and teaches students, in particular, that these tragedies are completely avoidable.
By all accounts, both of them should have died in their accidents. Instead, and inexplicably, they persevered. They survived. And they thrived. They were both rushed to the same hospital following their life-threatening injuries. That’s also where they later met and where they fell in love. They got married earlier this year. To Dallas, Jamie is the most beautiful woman he has ever known. He sees her through his sense of touch but he doesn’t need eyes to see her joyous and tender soul. To Jamie, Dallas is a rock star, a man of quiet strength and powerful determination. They worship one another and they are rarely apart.
What should have been the tragic end of two lives is instead an incredible beginning of a brand new journey. Theirs is a love story of such purity and optimism that I was humbled and honored to be in their presence. Through all their challenges and all the pain, they claim that neither of them would trade places with their former selves. Imagine that. While so much has been taken from each of them, they say that much more has been given to both of them.
Dallas told me that when he was in the hospital he realized that he had a decision to make: he could get bitter or he could get better. Clearly he chose the latter. What a powerful lesson for all of us
For more by Jim Moret, click here.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.
After nine years together, one man followed her sage advice and did just that. And then he went a step further and put on a leotard and heels to dress up like one of her “Single Ladies” video girls for his and his wife-to-be’s engagement photos.
On Wednesday, the couple’s friend, Reddit user maddking, posted some of the bizarre, but oddly amazing photos to the site. Check them out in the slideshow below.
This guy’s a good sport. And he doesn’t look half bad in that leotard!
The Winnipeg Free Press reports Parton will send out books every month in the mail at no cost to approximately 10,000 aboriginal children (from newborns through to five-year-olds) on 55 of 63 First Nations. The goal of the Dolly Parton Imagination Library is to have all 63 of the First Nations included.
The first such library opened in Dauphin back in 2009 when Karen Davis of the Ebb and Flow First Nation and Parton’s foundation joined forces, the first of what would later become 15 such libraries in 15 Manitoba First Nations.
“I want every child in a First Nation to start school with the enthusiasm where they can say, ‘I can read,'” Davis said. “‘I know how to hold a book. My parents read to me.'”
Infants will receive “The Little Engine That Could” as the first book with a thank you letter from Parton to parents. The last book children get on their fifth birthday will be “Look Out Kindergarten, Here I Come” which will contain another letter from Parton addressed to the child. Aboriginal culture will be included in many of the books.
Planning behind the Manitoba initiative took five years and nine trips from Parton’s organization to get things in order. The process also included no money from the provincial or federal government. The foundation ships out 700,000 books monthly in the U.S., Canada and Britain. Books will also be sent out to remote First Nations using snowmobiles, dogsleds, planes or even canoe.
The idea was formulated innocently enough when Davis visited Nashville a few years ago to see aboriginal Jordin Tootoo (then of the NHL’s Nashville Predators) play hockey. While on the trip Davis entered the Dollywood Foundation offices and told officials with the singer’s charity she wanted to create a literacy program.
Parton was not in attendance for the announcement but made a videotaped message to mark the news. The retail cost of the books over the five-year period to 55 First Nations is an estimated $10 million.
Parton, 67, released her last studio album “Better Day back” in 2011.
But all that re-watching can take up lots of time, so wouldn’t it be nice to be able to get through it in just one minute? Well, 1A4 Studio has made your dreams come true in this 60-second animated treatment that captures the gist perfectly. Check out 1A4 Studio videos for more “speedrun” renditions of your favorite films!
For an added bonus, see a 30-second “Pulp Fiction” bunny summary here.
“I said, goddamn!” That was fast.
Over the past 10 years academic research into forgiveness has proliferated, the great bulk of which has come out of America, almost always from researchers with a pro-forgiveness bias — whether explicitly or covertly expressed. Much of this research looks at process, analyzing personal experiences of forgiveness to map out key stages of development.
I used to try and avoid the drive to pin down the meaning of forgiveness or analyse the practice, but as I came across more and more victims and perpetrators of extreme violence, there was no avoiding the fact that many of these forgiveness narratives shared key components, with almost all victims eventually emerging (whether after weeks, years or decades) from the trauma with resilience and hope. Some had experienced life-changing encounters which had shifted their consciousness and attitudes, while others had come to the decision to forgive through a long and difficult process of pain and hatred which had left them spent and looking for another way forward.
Bud Welch, for instance, whose daughter was killed in the Oklahoma bombing in 1995 describes how after a year of visiting the bomb site every day, and with his life falling apart, he decides, “I have to do something different because what I’m doing isn’t working.” What he does different is line himself up for forgiveness — a key feature of which is humanizing the “other” through empathy. The poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow puts it so well: “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
Forgiveness is dynamic and personal. Each of us puts our own limitations on the concept. For some it may be conditional on the offender’s apology and remorse, for others it will depend on the gravity of the offense. Gill Hicks who lost both her legs in the London bombings, describes that shift as recognizing she had a future by drawing a line in the sand between Life 1 and Life 2. Former gang member turned peace advocate, Aqeela Sherrills, whose son was murdered in 2004 in a random act of gang violence, has come to believe in the concept that “where the wounds are, the gift lies.”
In an attempt to look at the process of forgiveness, I have assisted Dr. Masi Noor, senior lecturer in psychology at Canterbury Christ Church University in England, in creating a Forgiveness Toolbox which underlines the notion that forgiveness does not happen in mysterious ways. Instead, it reinforces the notion that the practice of forgiveness can be learnt by acquiring a set of skills which are based on the actual experiences of individuals who have succeeded in liberating themselves from the debilitating power of victimhood.
The skills were extracted by analyzing some of the real life political violence narratives from The Forgiveness Project, experiences of people who have struggled with trauma, loss, resentment and even thoughts of revenge. Knowing that these skills had transformed these individuals to act in ways that have allowed them to discover and embrace “the gift in the wound,” we wanted to look more closely at how.
The list of skills is not exhaustive nor prescriptive and we refrained from outlining a process which may be suggestive of a specific sequence through which the skills should be explored because there may be numerous different processes and paths. Ultimately, these skills aim to enable individuals and groups to regain their diminished sense of agency following victimhood experiences, transform the impact of harm and violence, and to find “the gifts in their own wounds.”
In reality, how is it our job to hold others accountable? Meaning, what exactly do we do to enforce it, when we speak that statement?
Punish them for not coming through, by yelling, the silent treatment, ignoring them, complaining… taking one of their toys away? What exactly are we doing by being their parent or punisher?
Many of us think if we speak words of personal conviction it actually means something to the other person. It might for a minute or two, but when we continue to act in ways, which contradict or don’t support our own words, the other person thinks we don’t mean it.
I’m not talking about threats and following through on them (that’s what I call controlling manipulation). I am talking about our making statements about how we need something or how we feel… if our own actions don’t honor our words, how can we expect anyone else to?
If we ask our mate to do something or show up in a certain way and they don’t, what can we do?
It helps to first gain some clarity. If our mate disappointed us by not following through on something they agreed to, then we need to discuss it with them. We need to listen to what they want to tell us (not what we want to hear, but what they want to say), and then we need to accept it.
At that point, we need to honestly state our truth without beating them up. We share from the focus on exactly how we feel now, not the other 32 times they let us down by not cleaning the litter box. Some people will not want to hear our words. Some may try to tell us our feelings are not valid (and right there is a great place to insert, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I feel how I feel.”) And others may apologize, but yet take no action or make false promises.
If there is true understanding and desire to have the relationship remain healthy, then it is can’t be pushed under the rug. There is always an impact on the relationship when disappointment has happened… and it is an opportunity for two people to work together or it can push them further apart.
Communicating all the time, so everyone is clear is great, but again, let’s say we have a conversation about being disappointed and our partner continues to let us down, what do we do if we don’t punish him or her?
We ask ourselves how we feel. Many of us have a sore feeling of lack, which is why we hold our mates accountable. They need to show us we’re worthy and when they don’t come through, for many of us it is an indictment to our level of self-worth. Our mate has once again proven how unlovable we are when we stand in lack.
When we gain some clarity, we can ask ourselves deeper questions. Are our needs met in other ways? Is this a significant incident in the overall treatment we receive in the relationship — is it the standard operating system of our partner to not respect us? Do we feel we’re swallowing our honor or our value?
Then we turn the questions inward on ourselves and ask, “Are we meeting our own needs? How do we treat ourselves? Are we respecting our own boundaries? Are we saying what we mean and backing it with action?”
If we’re remiss in how we treat us, so are others. We must practice self-care, love and respect. In self-care, we shift the control of ourselves from waiting or wanting someone else to fulfill us, to making sure we are honoring ourselves. We must begin with self-acceptance, which includes where we may judge ourselves harshly too. Often, those who have a huge inner-critic also are home to a badass judge who perceives others with a heavy gavel.
Self-care doesn’t mean we do everything on our own. It just means that we’re willing to do what we need to make sure we’re taken care of and that includes having boundaries for how we want to be treated.
It always comes back to us when we’re talking about accountability. If we’re serious about a relationship, we need to be clear on those boundaries and what it means to uphold them.
And if we’re not treated appropriately by others and we’re treating ourselves with respect and love, then it is probably time to re-evaluate our expectations of what the relationship is giving to us. Settling when we really love ourselves is not an option, it’s when we don’t really love ourselves that we want to hold everything outside of us accountable for that lack.
In conclusion, speak up with love, look within our thoughts and feelings to get clear follow through with action to back up our words, thoughts and feelings.
Born without arms but developing a passion for music at a very young age, he learned to play the guitar employing an unconventional method: laying the instrument flat on the ground and using his toes.
Watch Goffeney, who is also known by the nickname of “Big Toe,” perform a beautiful cover of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ 1993 hit “Soul to Squeeze” in this 2007 video from toberndo.
And if you’d like to know more about this remarkable musician from San Diego, be sure to visit Goffeney’s website here.
#alkalinity #alkalinitymovement #7.2 #sevenpointtwo