It’s a form of denial. If I’m doing something purposely or unconsciously to get attention, I’m creating drama.
If I meet someone who rescues me from my drama, they will sooner or later go from rescuer to perpetrator. If I hand them all of my problems, allowing them to rescue me and still continue to treat my life in the same way… drama will follow. Instead of playing alone in the sandbox, we’ve now invited another person to play along with us. That is until we take ourselves in hand and grow up! We decide dressing up and playing victim, persecutor and rescuer is just not fun anymore!
Most relationships that are worthy of a soap opera or a dramatic miniseries have the individuals playing a role unconsciously, as they traipse around that drama triangle.
If I get involved with someone through a mutual case of loneliness, the relationship will eventually end in mutual loneliness.
Truly, after we’re done saving each other from being alone… what truth will we share?
We will create drama as the bond to keep us together.
When we wrap ourselves in a big bow, so we can pretend to be the perfect gift for our mate, we will eventually once again… create drama. Not being real, whether we’re normally the center of attention, or the quiet one is not a way to forge a true bond, eventually the real us will come right out!!
Drama comes along, because just as quick as one mask comes off, another one is created to sustain the relationship and yet, it won’t stop the drama.
Whatever is inauthentic in us that we bring into a relationship will come out as drama at some point. When we pay no awareness to our truth and live in a fantasy, then drama is a fundamental basis of connection in the relationship.
Once the honeymoon phase is over, we can expect drama if we weren’t paying attention to how we felt around this person. Meaning, if our focus was on a few good qualities that we so desperately wanted this person to fit, but we missed the flicker of anxiety every time he was rude to the waiter, then we can be assured drama will be a top priority.
Drama comes up in all sorts of way, when we practice no self-awareness and expect the other person to be our awareness. We want them to make us happy, and do all the heavy lifting associated with creating trust. This dooms the relationship to failure, because no one can do this for us. If we try to give responsibility of our emotional state to someone else, we can expect to be disappointed. It’s a perfect opportunity for more drama!
Insecurities that remain unchecked, create drama.
If we meet someone and we’re lonely, unhappy, fearful or in some insecure state, which indicates we’re not connected to ourselves… we can expect the same to be mirrored back to us by our partner in the future. The individual we draw into our drama usually shares the same unconscious way of operating in relationships.
Even so, drama is never about the other person. It’s about what we believe we’re supposed to receive and didn’t, whether it is a gesture, a word, an object or action. We feel let down and therefore entitled to create a hailstorm.
We create drama to keep everyone engaged in the soap opera. We do it out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of loss, or even fear of being found out! We’d rather hide behind the curtain than be who we really are when we’re creating dramatic distractions.
We do it so we have to be rescued from ourselves. We do it maintain a distance, to survive, because we’re completely disconnected from loving ourselves. Those who join us on this stage love the opportunity to also dismiss their problems and jump right into helping us create drama. This way we both stay completely unaware of what is really going on for each of us as individuals. It’s an awesome match!
How do we stop the drama?
It starts with getting real. If we take a journey inside, we can find out what the impetus is for us to be the drama starter. We can understand why we need the attention and heightened sense of care we desperately cannot give to ourselves.
When we know why we feel needy, we’ll know why we create all the distractions, arguments and crazy making. We’ll see how we’ve been seeking outside of us, what we think we can’t fulfill within us.
If we really want to stop the drama pattern and get off the triangle, we should take some time to be alone and really, deal with our feelings and the anxiety they provoke. Shining the light of awareness inside of our emotions can bring us far more peace than being engaged in drama. Being rescued from our self-made dramas, doesn’t allow us to grow. It keeps us stuck in our childhood patterns, where we needed attention and drama is how we got it!
I also met a woman named Jamie who suffered third and fourth-degree burns over 70 percent of her body. She was in a fiery solo car crash caused by her texting while driving. This mother of two has had 33 operations, many of them painful skin grafts. More surgeries are on the horizon. Jamie now spends much of her time speaking about the dangers of texting behind the wheel and teaches students, in particular, that these tragedies are completely avoidable.
By all accounts, both of them should have died in their accidents. Instead, and inexplicably, they persevered. They survived. And they thrived. They were both rushed to the same hospital following their life-threatening injuries. That’s also where they later met and where they fell in love. They got married earlier this year. To Dallas, Jamie is the most beautiful woman he has ever known. He sees her through his sense of touch but he doesn’t need eyes to see her joyous and tender soul. To Jamie, Dallas is a rock star, a man of quiet strength and powerful determination. They worship one another and they are rarely apart.
What should have been the tragic end of two lives is instead an incredible beginning of a brand new journey. Theirs is a love story of such purity and optimism that I was humbled and honored to be in their presence. Through all their challenges and all the pain, they claim that neither of them would trade places with their former selves. Imagine that. While so much has been taken from each of them, they say that much more has been given to both of them.
Dallas told me that when he was in the hospital he realized that he had a decision to make: he could get bitter or he could get better. Clearly he chose the latter. What a powerful lesson for all of us
For more by Jim Moret, click here.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.